.Saturday, September 08, 2007 ; 2:46 AM -
.His Mercy is New everY mornInG.
Was I making the wrong decision? People asked me why I rejected the job. Honestly, part of me fear the idea of stepping into corporate world. The fear never left. At times, it is overpowered by excitement and enthusiasm. "You will do well in corporate field". "It will be good for you to be there for a few years." I know they mean it when these were said. How do they know? I myself am so unsure of what I really want. How will other people know?
With people around me I didn't think about what I have done today. When they left, silence dawned upon me. I was left with the quietness to think about what I truly want. The answer that came was " I am not sure. I don't know." I felt so weak and unsure of myself. Hate that feeling. Being alone without anyone to talk to, tears and music were my only companions. Even if I called one of my friends, they won't know nor will they understand. The worst thing is I don't even know how to express it. Not to mention expectation of my mentor for me to go into corporate world. Should I really be heading in that direction?
Sometimes I am tempted to regret the decision to take Life sciences. Why didn't i choose Business or arts major instead? Why must I do so much hall stuff and let these jeopardized my grades? Why can't I put more effort in my study? All these whys and ifs keep swimming to and fro in my mind. I am whining for sure. I am being a little girl, a cry baby. Where else can I do it if not here. Seems like I have been sabotaging myself all these while. The pressure of securing a job sure is mounting. Plus, I am financially incapable to afford those expensive suits for working.
I want to be courages. I want to step into the working world. But I feel so scared and not ready. If I have accepted the job...If I have not being rash...If I have been more courages....If i am not that stupid and timid...if i have....If...if...If....
No use regretting the decision now. No use looking back and wishing I could have been wiser. How many more interviews till I got my first job? Sometimes I really feel lonely and lost. Where am I heading now? Standing at the cross road, scared to make the decision. Even when friends told me it's alright. There are other opportunities. I still feel like smacking myself for being such an indecisive, timid and choosy person.
Oh well..this is just a rambling in the middle of the night.
I ask my Lord, "what to do?How?Should I reject or accept?Gimme a sign! something, anything!" Sometimes the prayer bounces back. Silence was the immediate reply. Searched for the sense of peace within but found emptiness. I know well that God doesn't always answer prayers like some vending machines. I learned to wait. I leaned to be patience. Many times I grew impatient and continue to bug Him with more prayers. They bounces back and some flew to space unknown. Sometimes I feel very lonely although I know He is always with me. Jehovah Jireh - God the provider. Lord, I pray for strength, courage and patience to wait and be faithful in prayers. Jesus, I pray for patience in this job search. He has a future and a hope for me. Everything works together for good for those who loves Him, according to His purposes. He has seen my future and it is good. His grace is sufficient for me. My job is to plant and water, His job is to give increase; my part is to do my best in job interviews and His part is to open doors of opportunities. Whether to walk through the door or not, it is a free choice. He is my provider, my comforter my refuge. All these are the verses I hold on to everyday. Knowing that all His promises in Jesus Christ are true and amin doesn't translate to application. There are times when I feel totally useless and lost, I am so tempted to not go to Him. I am so tempted to strive and take control. In my head I know I must not. I need to trust in Jesus! I am nothing and unable by myself. Help me Lord!Help me to trust in You!
I guess I'll be going arrow tomorrow. No matter how reluctant I am, I think I'll go. Connection between some of my cg ppl and I is somewhat lost. That's why I would rather stay home and stop joining their activities. I am such a selfish person. Seeking help from them but reluctant to be there with them. Asking them to pray for me but I myself am not there with them when they need people to pray with them. To him,
Don't tell me to accompany you when your main reason is to get me to the service. You have your friends there and I am not needed after all. Your fellowships with the people there are already established while mine is not. If you want me to go to church, just say it. Don't use excuses such as cannot connect or no friends. Your buddies are all there. I am tired of all these superficial shallow socialising with people. I would rather go to church alone. Anyway, it has been this way since 1998.
