This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...


Song of the day. Many things happen today. Not all pleasant I would say. For the past few days I have been feeling rather de-motivated. Part of it is due to my irrational panic over pipelines and real assignments. Well, I was also quite affected by tense situation that has been brewing for the past week. It was like the calm before the storm. A massive storm. So it was. Hurricane Ashley blew over and took one away. Somehow, negative vibe is rather contagious and it sure affected me badly yesterday. I was feeling like someone who was stuck in a well with no apparent exit. There was a rope lowered by my Master. It landed just above me. I was too engulfed by the darkness and didn't even remember to look up. Hence, the rope stayed there and I was rob of all joy and peace. Silly me to do so.

I remembered a sermon that was preached by a visiting pastor in CooS. They spoke on worship and its purpose. The passage quoted was from Mark 14:3 onwards

3While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

4Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? 5It could have been sold for more than a year's wages^[a] and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

6"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 7The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. 8She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. 9I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

That perfume would have cost her the entire year worth of salary then. She poured it on the head of Jesus. This is an act of worship. She adored Him so much that she has given Him the most precious thing that she ever possesed i.e. the Perfume. When we press the spray of a bottle of perfume, fragrance whiffed through our nose even if it is only a little mist. Moreover when a jar of perfume being poured out. Jesus was in a confined space, Simon the Leper's house. The fragrance would have filled the entire space and that create an atmosphere. Similarly, worshipping God is like pouring out the perfume out of our adoration to Him. Just like the woman, when we initiated or poured the "perfume", the smell filled the air and creates an atmosphere for worship. It can be so intense that everyone can literally feel the presence of God in that place. Worship brings down the presence of God. Just like in old testament, when the priest burned incense in the Holy of the holiest, it was to bring down the presence of God to the temple.
On the other hand, negative atmosphere can be cultivated as well. Well, if worship of God is for positive atmosphere, murmuring, complaining and showing black face are definitely for negative atmosphere. It was a live example of what negative atmosphere can bring to the group. Everyone is down and affected. Things went downhill. I was rather amazed on how I felt yesterday. I should have realized that there are certain factors that came into play.
I felt unable when I am to pull myself out of the pit. Desperately, I tried to motivate myself but it was to no avails. My own effort is futile. But, I know God can bring me up from the pit. He wants to. Sometimes, I was too engulfed in the situation that things look skewed. Knowing that Jesus is in the boat of life with me is different from completely trusting Him to bring me safe to the shore. There are so many flaws in me. Like Paul said, oh Wretched person that I am. I want to do good but somehow I ended up doing evil things. I want to be right with God but I ended up spiralling downwards to the pit. Thank God and I really mean Thank God that he never gives up on me. He knows what He is getting into when He found me, this broken, selfish, emotional, sinful person. He knows it's going to be hard work to grow me and mold me into what he has in mind. It is like a faithful parent who tries and tries to teach His child. The difference is His patience is eternal. Thank God and Praise His Merciful ways.
People may say "Surely you are not that bad". Are you kidding me? I am that bad. But He is good. He is merciful and has accepted me broken as I am.
M said it's a good time to share the Gospel with this leaving person. I said I am not the right person because things may get complicated. He didn't know the full story. I don't want to walk into temptation. I am not good with friendship with guys and feelings may get further than that is allowed. That is why I didn't text him. I will be tempted to comfort him if he ever pours out whatever he feels. That will spell BAD NEWS. So, stay away and let others do the job. I will do the praying.
He is leaving immediately. Oh well, live goes on.

For the closing, I shall dedicate this song to those who are reading this rambling of mine.

~KatZ~

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