.Saturday, July 11, 2009 ; 12:16 AM -
.His Mercy is New everY mornInG.
My goodness..I almost forgotten that this blog even existed! It has been sometimes since I last updated this blog.
And my purpose of visit is?
Well, certain issues have been such a nag in my mind. Like a hamster wheel, I kept running in circles and getting nowhere! Absolutely work done = 0. Pointless and mindless worrying.
Let's see...I think it stated when the family problem started. It was my fault really. I backed off emotionally because the idea of bearing the burden is too overwhelming to me. So I stopped asking why and how and what was the outcome. She started to take quite a few urgent leave and thus her work performance plummeted. Mine stays the same and possibly better than the rest.
So the month of June came. I started to lunch in more often than usual. Time of peace and quiet is so rare that lunch time without the usual hustle and bustle feels like a whiff of jasmine to me - simply refreshing. I packed in, read my book and if I have extra time, I will try to do a bit of study. That decreases the amount of interaction with my colleagues in particular J. Then came the funny idea that her previous seating arrangement has bad feng shui and she was moved to the other end of the island. The further one seat, the lesser the chance to talk.
Recently, boss started to give me tons and tons of assignment to do. I am really up to my chin now but still within tolerance level. I like it because I was given plenty of learning opportunity. Plus, I am given training opportunity in which I was one of the trainer for new batch of people. Another learning experience. Nowadays, I am also involved in interview process for internal staff. Hence, even lesser chance to talk to her.
I brought up this issue with another friend. He asked me to talk to her directly. I know I can't. I will cry. Not because I am super sad or anything. Simply because I am not a person who wears my heart on the speakerphone.
He noticed that we are drifting apart. If I am to be honest with myself:
I don't really feel like having lunch with her or talk to her. Bad huh.
Don't know since when but it started to irritate me when we are talking in a group and in every single conversation, she will have to be the main character. She just has to give a piece of her life. I told her once that this is her habit. She said she didnt notice it. Fine. That is the way she is. Can't change so rather than I got irritated and snapped at her, I decided to decrease such chances.
It is inevitable for me to do a comparison between both of us.
Well, it is kinda obvious that Jenn seems to place more responsibility on me. Most technical and scientists roles are executed by me. They are leveraging on my education background. Health care is not rocket science. They just look like one. Kim said it is very obvious that Jenn favors me outwardly. I did close positions for SP. When my deal is closed, she will make a big show of it by pressing that stupid bell. I am going to hide or throw away that offensive bell.
J has more experience than me for sure. Somehow, her deals just slipped away. It is very tempting to take Kim's opinion as a conclusion - she felt pressurised by the fact that she is not making sales and I am.
Sounds petty isn't it.
I did try to turn the situation around. But, how do you clap when the other hand simply refuse to do so? I tried to talk to her, joke with her, asked her about her posiitons, asked her about her meetings. I felt forced...
Everything seems to be back to normal. The next day morning, it is back to square one. So I am repeating the entire process again. Same thing this morning. She came late. Lunch time came. Jenn asked me to go to IKEA for lunch. It was too far so I said I am lunching in. She went with Irene. No conversation yet since the day start. I was thinking of lunching in but Kim was left alone for 2nd batch so I went with her.
Sigh...the last straw came when Katherine from P called. I transfered the call to her. I kinda know what was the call about. So the next moment I heard some whispers. She started to do CRA role which is not her allocated role. It is not that I care she is surfacing CV to P. So I turned to her and asked her that if she is taking P roles I am not going to touch this account. She gave me the look as if she is blur and wondering what the hell is this person talking about. So I said well it is my fault that I didn't spend time on this account.
I typed out an email to her saying how I feel. Sent it out before I left. She may have read it, she may not. There was no response from her so I assume things don't really matter on her side.
I will still think and ponder and wonder. Occassionaly I will feel sad on what has happen but it is gonna pass. A friend will always stay a friend whether or not we talked most of the time. Either way, I have tried. So far, I have not seen her coming over to talk to me or trying to do something. I guess it may not be a serious thing for her. Now I know well not to be considering work people as friend. Because they are not. They are simply colleague.
Monday is going to be a new week. I am going to concentrate on my sales and my performance. I will train up Eunice and once she is able to stand on her own, I guess it's time to consider the advancement. Probably to SS or probably something else. SP has been fun and a good training ground. But, only deals that are over 10K can help me meet my target.
Another lesson learnt.
On a lighter note, Jenn said she is going to help me register for a distant learning course in Pharmacology if I am able to meet the target the third time. Yep. Gonna go for it.
I would love to go and study again!
